It’s okay to feel incapable

If there’s one thing you could take away from reading this, it’s that it’s okay to feel incapable. In fact, there’s power and strength in it.

If you’re comfortable with this already, feel free to stop here. If you want to hear a shortened account of my reasoning why, then read on.

For those who don’t know me, I’ve been a Consultant in IT since graduating from university, operating as an Architect for some 15+ years. That means standing in front of C-level stakeholders on a regular basis, explaining how problems will be solved. For the past 6 years I’ve been aiming to undertake a specific professional challenge – renowned in my speciality to be one of the toughest challenges I would be likely to experience in my career. And I’ve failed. Multiple times.

Most recently the last 18 months was actively focussed on preparing for yet another attempt at the final stage.

I kicked off preparation just before the first lockdown started. Lockdown circumstances were concerning and unfamiliar, but the kids were still in school (thankfully), and I was used to working remotely. So I felt calm about work and positive about my preparation plan – consisting mainly of hard, dry, technical study and reading; and practising design, presenting, and talking fluidly.

As lockdown became more restricted, balancing study at 5am, then a full day of normal work alongside home-schooling, continuing to complete home duties (aka “The List”), maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and studying and practising exam scenarios into the early hours, took its toll. I couldn’t do it. Well, I resigned I could do two of them. But the rest still somehow had to be done.

I could see my partner trying hard to pick up the slack, so I looked at myself, trying to figure out why I was not solving the problem, and finding it difficult to simply live. On the basis that my behaviour was at fault, I spent some time reflecting about why.

Reflection

Here are the things about myself I became aware of…

• I’m not a morning person
• I struggle to make quick decisions
• I waffle on occasion
• And I’m easily distracted

That’s all, not much, and not so bad.

Oh no, wait, I realised there were a few more…

• I’m a perfectionist
• Disorganised, unstructured things make me uncomfortable and anxious
• I procrastinate… a lot!
• I struggle to remember or retain information at times
• I waffle on occasion
• I expect a lot of myself, and sometimes others
• I struggle to say ‘no’
• I don’t easily know when to stop
• I take on more tasks as they arise
• I frequently feel responsible
• It feels wrong to say “I don’t know” or “I can’t”
• I stress out over minute details
• Unplanned risks and events scare me
• I worry

Ouch, that hurt. I felt bruised. I wasn’t expecting the list to be so long. It made me feel very down, but I’d kick myself if I stopped or wasted time so I had to keep going. My Mum always said to me:

“Time is the one thing you can never get back. Use it wisely.”

Inner Monologue

As I continued following my plan, study and practise activities took over many of the others. Day-to-day work never suffered. I wouldn’t let it. Preparation intensified to every available minute and during that, what I know now to be my ‘inner monologue’ became exponentially more noisy and frequent.

Here are only some of the things I ‘heard’ myself thinking before, during, or after an activity…

“I’ll just wait for [an unrelated event] to start/finish.”

“Let me just check… [some technical fact].”

“Oh my gosh I’m only [part] way through and there’s still so much to do.”

“I can’t do this. It’s not possible. I give up.”

“How come [another person] did it?”

“It’s/there’s too much. Am I kidding myself, that I can?”

“Why am I putting myself through it?! I don’t need this stress.”

“I feel winded and I can feel my heart beating. I can physically feel the anxiety.”

“I’m letting everyone down.”

“I’m afraid to start in case I fail.”

“I’m nervous about how it’ll go. It was so bad last time.”

In all honesty some of this was also said out loud to my partner. The combination of knowing my faults, listening to the voice, and watching the increasing strain in the Family made me feel…

• Low self-confidence that I had any skills at all.
• Guilty for not doing enough for the Home/Family.
• Frozen and unable to move forward. Paralysed.
• Scared to do anything that would result in failure.
• Incapable.

What happened next was, looking back, quite strange and out of character for me.

Let Go

I let go.

In hindsight I think perhaps I subconsciously changed the environment I was in by outwardly, honestly, and loudly saying:

“I feel [emotion] because… [stop to think/identify]”

Frequently my partner would be sitting opposite me, would hear it, and not say a word. Not one. Because in a way she could see that I was telling myself:

“Yes, you’re right, this is really hard. And that’s okay”

From that point I decided to listen and not ignore what my mind was telling me. My de-stress mechanism had always been exercise, but I had stopped it, which was wrong. I isolated myself, which made me feel… well, isolated and alone. I knew I struggled to study in the evenings but was forcing myself due to guilt. I couldn’t work out large chunks so I broke it down. Decisions were hard to make because I convinced myself I had to figure it ALL out in one go, which I didn’t, but instinctively was able to do over time.

I exercised.

I slept and rested.

I trusted my mind and my instinct to be able to handle it. I found 2-3 strong mindfulness exercises and repeated them.

I tried to be brave.

I guess the advice you can take from this is to be kind to yourself, watch out for destructive behaviours and take time out to identify and avoid them. This is the part that, deep down, a lot of people know, but find hard to do. Practically, avoid all-night work sessions, take regular breaks and disconnect e.g. a walk, drawing, cooking, meditation, etc. Through this, I found a love for jigsaws!

I’ve gone through this experience and I feel stronger for it. Sharing this is not intended to change people’s behaviour toward me or the perception of me ‘coping’ – rather to help people see more clearly their attitude toward themselves and their circumstances. There are plenty of “success” books that will describe recipe-like instructions to follow. But that’s not me. And this is not that. For me I feel an importance not to forget, but to use this experience and learning as a blueprint to upgrade my Early Warning System. My mental challenges won’t go away forever, and my list of faults do and will grow, I’m sure. But other people’s lists may be bigger, so be kind and help reduce them.

Things I’ve learnt…

• Your mind and body are more capable than you think, but you should try to listen to and trust them.
• Although it’s not a situation to aim for, the most memorable achievements sometimes come from a moment on the scary ledge.
• Don’t be afraid to fail. Its okay. It’s part of building strength and capability.
• Whatever you subconsciously tell yourself, you’re right.

If this has resonated with you, put your mind at ease, or simply made you think and want to talk, it has met it’s goal, but I’d love to hear your thoughts. Equally if you have any questions please do feel free to reach out, or share your story.